For those of you who are new to my blog, I wrote an article a while back about how my cat: Rod Stewart, is a fucking asshole.
Well guess what? I got that mother fucker neutered! I also managed to attract one of the vets at the clinic, so theres more to this article than me bragging about how I destroyed my cat's confidence, let me explain...
So it started off with a call to the vet clinic, its a small neighborhood one with 1 or 2 vets who also tend to answer the phone. Cute sounding girl picks up.
Kelly: Vet clinic, Kelly speaking.
Cajun: Hey Kelly, whats up?
Kelly: Not much, how can I help you?
Cajun: Well, I'm calling because I need to get Rod Stewart's balls destroyed.
Kelly: .....(explosive laughter, muffles phone)
Cajun: Don't laugh, he's been biting me all day...
Kelly: Rod Stewart is your cat I take it?
Cajun: Yeah, but I only named him that to embarrass him.
We talk for a bit and set up an appointment. I take him in a few days later to get a check-up to see if hes fit for surgery. When I come in I see that Kelly is actually young and HOT.
Kelly: Ahh so this is the infamous Rod Stewart, what a cutie!
*She begins scratching his chin, he makes a stupid noise that he probably thinks is cute.*
Cajun: Do you always butter them up before before ripping their balls of?
Kelly: Oh man, story of my life.
Cajun: Ah ha, vet humour, I love it.
Kelly: Yeah, Ive heard them all.
Cajun: I made a whole list of double-entendres I could use that are vet related before I came...just in case.
Kelly: Haha, smart thinking.
*She starts examining Rod*
Kelly: Is he aggressive?
Cajun: Yeah, he's an asshole, but a charming one, like me.
Kelly: What do you do when he misbehaves?
Cajun: Well I was squirting him with water and vinnegar, but now he seems to like that, so i've been experimenting with public embarassment.
Kelly: Haha how does that work?
Cajun: Well, I invite my friends over and we watch a video I took of him eating lettuce out of the garbage, then we all point and laugh at him. He gets really embarrassed, he doesn't want people to know he secretly enjoys lettuce.
Kelly: ......Ahahaha I can't even tell if you're being serious or not.
Cajun: Yeah, well if you have any ideas, I used to throw him in the shower when he was really bad but now he seems to like that too. He always whines when I have a shower, and I end up bringing him in.
Kelly: You shower with your cat?
Cajun: Yeah, he's fucked up.
Kelly: Haha my cat fell into the tub when I was bathing once, that will never happen again.
Cajun: You have a cat? I bet you totally put sweaters on him.
Kelly: Ahhhh no!
Cajun: So you're telling me that if I walk over to your desk I wont find a picture of a cat with a sweater on?
Kelly: Ahhh noooo its not mine!
*she touches me as she laughs. Rod, most likely upset that me and the vet are getting along, decides to bite me*
Cajun: Ahhh fuck!
Kelly: Haha he IS a dick!
Cajun: See! Totally unprovoked!
*Kelly examines his eyes*
Kelly: Are his eyes always watery like that?
Cajun: Yeah, hes a baby, he's always crying.
Kelly: No no, it looks like he may have herpes.
Kelly: It's cat herpes, don't worry, you can't catch it, and its not that big of a deal.
Cajun: Oh my god this is the best news i've heard all day! How fitting that Rod Stewart has herpes! Could I get an official document that confirms that? I'll frame it with a picture of him looking really sad.
Kelly: Ahahaha unfortunately not, you guys have quite the love hate relationship don't you?
Cajun: Lets just say that him getting neutered is a big victory for me.
Kelly: He's gonna be really out of it afterwards, be nice.
Cajun: How does it work anyway? I was picturing like a giant mallet and you smash them as hard as you can?
Kelly: Hahahaha no, its just a small incision in the back of his testicles.
Cajun: Do you think you could play a song as you do it?
Cajun: I was thinking that if you play the song "Rhythm of my heart" by Rod Stewart as you neuter him that maybe he will link the song to ball destruction every time he hears it and I could use that to my advantage.
Kelly: As much as I would love to go along with that experiment, it wont do much, he'll be out of it the whole time.
Cajun: Ahh ok, I thought it would be a cool party trick...
Kelly finishes up and we set an appointment for the following week. I was thinking of going for her number as I didn't notice a ring on her finger, but I noticed pics on her desk of her and a dude, and someone called her while I was there and it sounded like a boyfriend conversation so I decided to play it cool for now. The funny thing is that I always end up attracting women by saying the stupidest things, I believe its mostly due to the fact that I tend to say things for my own amusement regardless of what other people may think.
The next week I brought Rod in and he said good bye to his boys. I made sure to berate him the whole week to really revel in the fact that I was finally getting back at him for all the cockblocks he had dished out to me in the past. You fuck with my balls, I fuck with yours!
He came home all doped up and was walking into walls and shit, and kept licking his dick in front of everyone like it was some sort of show. He seemed really embarrassed in general though. Chalk up another win for CAJUN, that righteous asshole!
Ill try to get another article up before next week, when im off to Ireland and Scotland for a few weeks. Theres still a few seats left for the bootcamps, so sign up now if you're interested before we sell out.