Today's Horoscopes

Just found this, it's the horoscopes I wrote for a local newspaper when I was 18. I wanted to make them the most fucked up horoscopes ever.

They were rejected of course...


Aries- You know Darryl came over to my house once and he said “Dwayne, sometimes you gotta give a little bit and take a little bit, and its your turn to take it” I was never quite sure what he meant at the moment, but I think you will be experiencing a lot of that today.

Gemini- Sometimes when you look at a child, the most pleasurable feeling comes over you, and you think of all the pleasurable things you could do with that child…if it were yours. But today you have to remember that the blonde haired child seemingly by himself is not your child, and that as much as you wish, children cannot be loaned.

Capricorn- Today you will experience understanding. Understanding is a powerful tool, for instance the other day uncle Teddy got drunk and vomited in the dryer. At first I realized that these things happen, but it wasn’t until Uncle Teddy turned the dryer on that I realized the notion of “Understanding” can often be stretched a little too far.

Pisces- Sometimes its hard when someone doesn’t understand you. Also, someone is hard sometimes when it doesn’t understand you. You see what I did there? When you mix around words, sometimes the meaning changes. Keep that in mind today.

Cancer- sometimes you have to make a choice. Yesterday I had to make several choices, one of them was what to have for supper; white meat or dark meat. Of course I picked Calvin. Remember to make the right choice today.

Virgo- Relationships can be a hard thing, especially when you have more than one. Which one should you choose? Dwayne or Stephen? In this case you should pick Dwayne because Stephen is a known sex offender.

Leo- Today you will have to make a hard decision, which is frustrating sometimes. For instance the decision I had yesterday on the parking garage of "What target?" was a hard one. Now that example is out of context but it still gets my point across.

Aquarius- Being able to define a situation is one of your strong points, although keep in mind that your definitions will not always be the same as other people’s. For instance my definition of the word “underage” may differ from yours.

Scorpio- Being in an uncomfortable situation can sometimes be really painful. But whenever I have someone in a “compromising” situation I always let them relax by telling them to just “sit back and let the good times roll”. Let people relax today.

Sagittarius- Remember to use the right words when describing people today. For instance, describing your new friend who watches you “from afar” as “Salty” or “Moist” are not common words used for describing people and may cause confusion. However “Menacing” and “rapist” are both words that many people understand.

Taurus- Sometimes people ask stupid questions, like “What’s that hole for?” Now I know what your thinking, “that’s a little vague!” But the fact is I don’t really know what that hole IS for and I’m not mentioning which one it is until I find out. Be prepared to find out today.

Libra- You should try not to blurt out personal questions today like “what does tradition sound like” Because the answer is different for everyone, for me its kicking a small dog.


I'll be writing a few posts this week (I promise!) I just got back from Las Vegas, where ive been for the past 2 weeks, so I'll pump a few more pieces out before I head back to work again this weekend.